Something I’ve discovered while writing this blog is loneliness. I started writing because I was lonely. And I have had many conversations with men and women who are also lonely. Being single can be very lonelyBut even being coupled can be lonely. Being a parent is lonely. No one tells you this.
I know that you’re sometimes lonely. I also know that you’re not lonely all the time. But I know, most of you sometimes feel lonely. I think loneliness is more common than we as society make it seem. They say things like “enjoy being single” but they don’t admit to how hard that can be. And they don’t say that sometimes you will be in a relationship and feel really lonely then too. They tell you everything will be perfect once you have found someone to love, and it’s misleading for the single people, and for the coupled people. The stories say that love will come to those who wait, and just garden and sing or whatever until it happens. But that’s really hard. And then love comes, and it isn’t always pretty and perfect. It’s sometimes complicated and vulnerable and sad. We’re social beings that exist soley in the uncomforts of our own sculls. We interact and relate and seek praise and acceptance and love, but we only have access to our own, solitary minds.
So we need to acknowledge the loneliness we all feel. Because talking to other people who can say “I’m lonely too” makes the loneliness feel smaller. While we’re stuck in our own solitary minds, we really want to reach out and share a moment with another person. So share how you feel with another person. Write in a comment about how you are feeling, or respond to someone’s comment with a word of encouragement. This world, this humanity, it is lonely but we do not have to be alone. Comment anonymously if you like (that’s the option at the bottom of the list of ways to comment and won’t require any special information or pre-existing accounts), but be sure to sign off in your comment with a name or a pseudonym, so that people can address you by name when they respond. We have a community here. Access it. Ask questions. Say hello. We have a rich resource of human beings here for you to take part in. It’s beautiful. If you comment using anonymous, be sure to hit "subscribe" to the comments so that replies are emailed to you, or just be sure to check back in to see what has been posted!
Was just reminded that this video really fits here:
Thanks for reading, you guys. I have found so many amazing people, heard some incredible stories by chatting with you behind the scenes. I know you're reading and wishing for people to connect with. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteConversation starter: if you could have one wish granted, what would you wish for?
-Kell- the single, lesbian mother
Written so well! I completely agree and love your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIf I could have one wish granted, it would be for all of the beings of the universe to hear me when I include them in my prayers every morning; to know they hear me say, "I see you. I heard what you said and what you said meant something to me. I send you my love." This would be my wish and for people to feel the perfection of connection to all that I feel during this practice. None of us are alone. We are all essential in our interconnectedness of energy.
ReplyDeleteKell, your blog is a blessing to us all. I am so grateful for you.
I can really relate to this. I've always been the introverted type, like I've never had a problem eating out by myself and enjoy things like reading, watching TV--all stuff that can be done alone. But sometimes you really just need a hug or someone to talk to who gets YOU. I work at home too, so thank goodness for twitter/blogs or I'd probably be completely crazy by now.
ReplyDeleteConversation starter answer: A best friend,soul mate, whatever. I don't have anyone like that, never have, and the closet I have are too far away geographically.
I have typed, and re-typed the following worrying that I might come across badly.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, let me say thank you for sharing your heart. This planet is a tough place to survive, for all of us.
This is not to sound condescending in any way, but I think that I would like to try "alone" for a few years. I am straight, been married for several decades, and a loving dedicated father of grown children, but I am tired. Really tired. Tired of handling the extreme emotions of my loving partner. Tired of being tired. Tired of trying to cling to the far side of a king-size bed to avoid touch.
Alone sounds really good to me. I don't want another intimate relationship with anyone. I'd like some friends and acquaintances to share a beer and a burger with from time to time, I'd like to do my work, but aside from that there is a tantilizing concept of tranquility that seems to be out there in being alone.
However, knowing that we were created to be social creatures, I suspect that my fantasies of being alone would likely turn into sadness eventually. I just wish I could try it out for a while.
I suppose I am talking about a vacation.
Its nice to see you write again, have not checked in a few days so had to catch up which was nice. Life does get in the way sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBeing single can be lonely I agree but I do not agree with you in regards to the gay population comment. Yes, we are different, but it does not make loneliness increase. I think it is your choice to reach out or not to reach out. The less you reach out to your community the more lonely you will feel, so loneliness comes with a bit of a choice in it.
"Enjoy being single": of course its hard at times, for sure, but that too comes with choice. Enjoy being single, to me means, enjoy being with yourself, do things for yourself that make you happy. Its part of self-development.
Loneliness sucks some times, but not to be mistaken with solitude. I think after coming out of a relationship solitude is important for a while. People who jump from one relationship to another, never know what loneliness is really, or what solitude is and its a shame.
To Anonymous above: I think being able to be alone is a huge strength and if you can, I would take that path. Again Lonely, Alone and Solitude are all different from one another.
Do you think it is healthy to jump from relationship to relationship?
Do you trust yourself to choose to be alone for a few month and feel lonely sometimes, feel solitude, feel sadness but also choose to feel happy?
Kelly: are you afraid to be alone? Is being alone scary for you? Being alone has a lot of emotions with it and one of them is being lonely. I am asking this question because as I read your blog today, it sounds like you are feeling really low.
Those are my thoughts that came with today's blog.
Love life, and keep writing.
B.Skye
Thanks Julia! I'm glad you enjoy! :) How is your day going?
ReplyDeleteGillian: what a beautiful wish. I think its really special to put that kind of energy out to the universe. I wish that too. :) I think a lot of people could benefit from knowing that we think of them. Hey maybe you should start a facebook group "prayers for everyone" where people post general thanks and appreciation.
Halfwattedsmile: I don't mind doing things on my own either, but I find it so much more fun with other people in general. Sometimes I really appreciate my time alone, and other times I relish in the interconnectedness. Thank goodness indeed for the online communities we can reach out to! Where are you connecting with people?
Annonymous #1, Your comment comes across the way you intended, without sounding condescending. Well done. It sounds like you really have spent a lot of yourself and I hear that you need a vacation. I think you've really hit on the nail what I couldn't quite explain in my post. When I said that relationships can be very lonely, I would have liked to be able to explain what you have said here. I also wanted to say that we can be surrounded by people, and feel alone. I feel very strongly that happiness is important, and that you should find ways to be happy in whatever way you choose to live your life.
ReplyDeleteAnnonymous #1, can you go on a solo vacation? It might revive your soul to travel somewhere and stay in your own bed, wandering where YOU want to wander, without worrying about someone else. It sounds like something like this might save you from the place you're in.
It might give you perspective about what you want in life. It is not too late to choose happiness. It is nice to allow yourself to explore those possibilities. You should give yourself a chance. You deserve it.
Thank you for such a meaningful comment. I appreciate it.
Hi B. Skye. Thanks for putting so much thought into your comment.
ReplyDeleteI am pleasantly surprised to discover that being gay doesn't make you feel any more lonely than a straight person might. It was my own experience, and I know of a few others who have felt that way, so I'm glad to hear that my generalizing to the wider population was off. I'm glad about that. I think for some people, it can be, but its nice to know that it is not everyone's experience. I didn't know that. :) Thank you! :)
I like and agree with what you said about loneliness being a choice. You're right. We can choose to be isolated and sad, or we can be independent and content, we can choose to be alone, and we can choose to reach out. You're right. And my intent with this post, and this blog, to create a community where people can reach out and find something. I feel blessed to have the opportunity.
I also agree with you about self-development. I think its really important for everyone to have time to be independent, and to learn to be okay in their own skin. I was twenty-something before I ever allowed myself a year to myself. It was really difficult at first, but it became very safe for me. It was nice to be able to define myself based on ME, instead of on my relationships. I think being alone and being okay with it reflects strength.
I totally agree with what you say about solitude not equaling loneliness. I intended to say the opposite, in fact. That we can be lonely in relationships, in families, while alone. I think loneliness is probably pretty common amongst all of us, and reflects how we feel about ourselves, and how effectively we've defined ourselves with hobbies, activities we enjoy, and things about ourselves that we like.
I think most everyone can feel lonely, regardless of the people around us. Lonely because we have our own thoughts, our own feelings, our own experiences, and because we are designed to be social beings.
I don't think it is healthy to jump from one relationship to another. I think it is really important to give yourself time to fill the void of a lost love before you let yourself go into another one. Its important because you can't give fully of yourself if you don't know yourself.
I think being alone is an important part of life, and that being okay in our own skin is really important. I think people can be okay with being alone, and still feel loneliness. I think people can be in happy relationships and happy families, and still feel lonely. Lonely for time with themselves, lonely for time with a platonic friend, lonely for a lover, lonely for a good conversation, or someone to go for a walk with. Lonely for someone to connect with in some new way.
To answer your question: "Do you trust yourself to choose to be alone for a few month and feel lonely sometimes, feel solitude, feel sadness but also choose to feel happy? "
My answer is yes. Yes I do trust myself in that way. As a single mom, I am alone a lot, and I am happy. But I think one can be happy and still experience loneliness. I think someone can be strong and independent, and still feel loneliness.
(gotta post in two comments, too much to type!) :)
B. Skye, I'm not afraid to be alone. And its not scary for me at all. In fact I'm a really happy, independent person. Its interesting to me that you read saddness in this post. I wrote this post for the people who have contacted me lately talking about their own experiences with loneliness. I'm currently falling head over heels in love with a beautiful and wonderful woman. So I'm not feeling a lot of loneliness right now. But I have known it, I remember the days when it terrified me and influenced me and made me afraid to be alone, when it was worth letting go of myself and my happiness in order to keep someone else happy.. But that doesn't have to be the way we live. We can acknowledge the loneliness, see it, experience it, and move forward. And we can create community, and we can make friends, and we can exist, strong, independent and happy.
ReplyDeleteAnd loneliness may still come in, once in a while, to say hello. And thats okay. Say hello back and look around your world for what might be missing.
Your post made me think a great deal, and I really appreciate that. Thanks a lot. :) Keep posting! I appreciate it.
Note: Anyone else is welcome to share what they think as well! This is great.
Thanks for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteI have thought about a vacation alone. I'd like to ride a bike through the mountains of Italy and France, stopping only for the odd croissant and latte.
The funny thing is, I am asking myself why I don't just go an do it. The truth is that I am scared to "ask permission". No physical abuse here, just the constant and unending drone of complaints, criticism and crap. I suppose I should stop being such a wimp and make the decision.... next year.
Anonymous #1
Anonymous # 1. You don't need permission.
ReplyDeleteYou have only have a few options.
1.You can stay exactly the way you are.
2.you give yourself a vacation
3.you leave your partner.
Now, if you chose 3, you wouldn't need to ask permission. You would say "Enough is enough, I need to go". You wouldn't ask permission.
With a vacation, you might just take the same perspective. To me, happiness is extremely important. Saying "I need this" should be enough. I hope that you can give yourself this gift of happiness and life. The time is going to go by anyways, Anonymous #1. Its going to go by whether you're happy or sad. Choose happy. You'll have more to give to the people around you in the long run.
Picture yourself on that bike, pedalling down a winding road in italy. Happiness is worth a chance, I think.
I hope you can find the strength to get there.
Since I typed my last posting I have been on the web checking out solo vacations in Europe. I'm kind of excited.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to permission, well... it's probably safe to say that you've never been a married man. Most guys know what I am talking about. "If momma isn't happy, ain't nobody happy".
#3 is not an option for me. I still value her deeply and the life we've built together over thirty years. I also am a man of my word, and told her "forever" and I meant it. I just didn't know (at the ripe old age of 19) that so much of it would be so friggin' miserable. I also didn't know that so much of me would have to be set aside for the cause.
Thanks for being a sounding board for me. For some peculiar reason I felt that talking to a lesbian would be a "safe place" for me. Not really sure why. But, it has helped.
Anonymous #1
I'm excited to hear that you're checking solo vacations. It makes me smile!! You deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate and understand what you're saying about permission. But you do deserve happiness, and I think if you could explain to your wife how you truly feel, and that you love her and are always going to be with her, maybe she can find it in her to be okay with it.
It is refreshing to hear that #3 isnt an option for you. My parents are seperated, I am divorced myself, and I don't know a great number of couples who have stuck it out for life. It really speaks to true commitment. It takes strength. But I hope that you don't loose yourself in that bond. You sound like you love your wife and would do anything for her. Do something for yourself as well.
I'm glad you felt safe talking here. I appreciate that and I feel like its a really great compliment. Thank you. :) Keep me posted on Europe!
You are all so brave - for being here - for sharing your stories. We are all one. LOVE IS LOUDER THAN LONELINESS!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_103233444672¬if_t=group_r2j#!/joinloveislouder
Thanks Gillian!! You're right, love is louder than loneliness!! :) Share the love, my friends!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I didn't think of it, but I really should have linked to this post here:
ReplyDeletehttp://adventuresofasinglelesbianmother.blogspot.com/2011/05/strength-in-sitting-alone.html
I prefer being alone most of the time. No pressures to say or do certain things or act a certain way. No children to give all of myself and then some to.
ReplyDeleteI love silence, and you can't get that when there are 3 children and a partner around.
Anonymous #1: Without a doubt, sir, you MUST go on that vacation. Don't even call it a vacation, call it a spirit quest or a soul searching mission.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot completely lose your sense of self because of your wife's criticisms and over bearing nature.
A partner is supposed to support and encourage you and want to see you grow and bloom right along side them.
If that isn't happening, then perhaps a change is in order, and if your wife doesn't approve of this mission, then perhaps she's not really the best partner for you.
I understand that you've been together 30 years, and you made a commitment, but so did she, and by hindering your personal growth and happiness, in my opinion, she's breaking vows to you. I obviously don't know specifically what your vows said, but "to love and honor" someone means supporting them every step of the way, and giving them the wings to fly with.
It just sounds like you're stagnating and she's the cause.
Please, please, please take this trip. You deserve happiness.
Bright blessings to you, Anonymous #1, and keep us posted!
Oh, and Kell, I love that video. I saw it a few months back and it made me cry. She is inspiring and is so right. Being alone is a beautiful and important thing to learn how to do. Some people have such a hard time with it and are so afraid of being alone. It's unfortunate, because it's those people who get into relationships for the wrong reason.
We must be at peace with ourselves before we share ourselves with someone else. :)
I agree with yoy, pinwheelsandpoppies :) on all counts!!
ReplyDeleteIm not afrais or scared to be alone, in fact I feel even in a realtionship everybody needs alone time. Its called a healthy relationship. Of course with kids and everyday lifestyles it becomes harder to find this " alone time" but nevertheless, I believe you have to make time and work at it if you want that or anything else.
ReplyDeleteIm tired of not having compnionship. Someone to talk about your day, cuddle up to, just totally get you, and be there for you. Friends are great, but human contact, intimacy is a whole other realmn.Its so hard in our community. People in general are getting harder to figure out. What happened to the no drama, just go with the flow, give and forgive nature of human beings. Whay are people so weird and hard to "get". If you want to give out your number then make the effort to talk to that person.texting has become a shield from that, a negative shield , to get out of conversing with another human being. If you dont feel a connection with another, tell them, be honest, dont ignore and just leave it. I dont know maybe i need to get away to another county where family values, ethics,compassion and the basics of human nature still exist. Maybe thats why we feel lonely.
You are right.. I was once told we are never alone and if you are coming from a religious or spiritual backgroud you know this is true. On the other hand, if we went around talking to the spiritual world whenever needed, for example outside right on the sidewalk walking;You think people would think you are crazy. So in the escence of just being alone sometimes it's just that ALONE. I have a son and one on the way; im also a single lesbian mom... I found myself jobless and had to relie on other social beings for conversations etc.... I found that I really did not have any close friends as I thoought once.. I find myself as always relying on myself with lil ones relying on me.. That's okay and I pretend to be superwoman most of the time. But again i Feel alone when I am alone. I also have been in a room full of people and a relationship and have felt loniliness... It's struggle at times but I have been learing to embrace this period in my life as a new clean slate. I can make new choices, bring healtier beings into my world much needed and adjust. It also had brought me closer to myself and the thought of what has really been going on.. I lately have enjoyed reseaching, spending time at my sons school and learning to meditate.. I love my son and what would really be lonley is being without him.. So therefore I am grateful. Life is short and sometimes unfortunately even shorter for others. I believe everthing happens for reasons( I'm learning to adjust, hope, love and embrace) now before its too late....
ReplyDeleteM- Another single lez mom