I want to talk about promises. This has been on my mind a bit lately, and I wanted to share it with you. We make promises all the time. I made a promise 12 years ago to marry a man and love him forever. I was very young. I hadn't developed into the person I am now. I didn't know about the things I would learn as the years moved forward. We had a son together. A promise assumes that we know what will come in the future. And I made the promise to get married and love someone forever without understanding how much of the future I had ahead of me. We had been together for 5 years, and at the time I figured that 5 years was enough time for me to get to know HIM. I hadn't given a second's thought to how long it would take to know MYSELF.
We make promises to other people. We make vows and say "until death do us part". We make commitments and say "you matter more to me than my own happiness". Our generation makes these statements, and yet we don't live by them. We get divorced. We call it quits. We move out. We separate when we become miserable. The divorce rate is up to some ridiculously high number. Yet people still get married, and they still make these crazy vows to be with one person no matter what. But they don't live it. We, as a society, don't live it.
I have this radical theory. We should recognize the way our generation goes about love. We should acknowledge that we don't really stay until death. We give up when it's awful. And I think maybe we SHOULD give up when it's awful. I want love. But I don't want to be with someone because they signed an agreement to stay with me despite how they feel about me. And I don't want to live miserably forever because at one point in my life it seemed like a good idea. So what if we didn't say "Until death do us part"? What if we skipped that part entirely, and we said instead "Until we cannot be happy together". I think if we did that, we might treat love differently. We might appreciate our partners more. We might take an extra minute to check in and evaluate. We might not take love for granted. And we might make the commitment to be together, for the RIGHT reasons. Because of love. Not because of a promise.
What you have said is so true for me in many ways. I am now ending my second marriage and it was not easy for any of us involved. I am finding being on my own, even with the many struggles, I am more at peace with myself over trying to be something for someone else that I would never measure up to.
ReplyDeleteAuntie says: Well now my girl, I do understand where you are coming from but I would like to comment from the other side of the coin. First, I do agree that two people should not stay together if the are unhappy however; I do think that sometimes it is far too easy to walk away from something when there is no obstacles to make a person stay and try. Often times, separations are due to lack of communication and if two people can sit down, have open minds,listen to and HEAR what each other has to say, sometimes the love can be found again. Love should never require anyone to live in an unhappy situation, nor should they ever stay together for the children. Children do not deserve to live in an unhappy home. I would like to commend your generation for taking care of your children after separation, it seems you have found a way that benefits the children. I'm sure at times it must be difficult but I am awed by the ability of couples today to put their children first at not use them as pawns.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I know that it is not the norm, definitely rare there truly are some relationships that are love at first site and couples do stay together happily until death do they part.
I love you, Auntie Shannon.
I still can't figure out how to make my name appear without being anonymous.
A lovely post. A good idea.
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