How to feel beautiful and worthy

I would like to tell you the story of how I came to feel beautiful and worthy. Turns out, I discovered, just how much our inner voice and the words we use to describe ourselves impact on the way we see ourselves and feel about ourselves; how something so simple as using new words can REALLY change the way we feel about ourselves. This post is for anyone who has ever felt fat, or who has ever felt ugly, or who has ever felt worthless, or useless, or not good enough. In short, this post is for everyone.

6 years ago something happened that changed the way I saw myself. I had issues with my body. Like so many people, I felt fat and ugly and unattractive. I had hosted an event at work, and a co-worker took my picture when I wasn't looking. The picture was from the side, from far away. The photo was from a perspective that I hadn't seen before.

I found this photo on the network drive in the middle of my work day. I stopped, and I stared at the photo for half an hour in disbelief. But what shocked me was not how FAT I looked. What shocked me was that it was not the body I had been seeing in the mirror. And what I saw, from the angle of the photo, was my calf, the lower part of my leg. I had not seen my legs from that angle or from far away. I see my legs from the front, or the side in the mirror. And in that photo, the side of my leg looked so vastly different than I believed it to be. It looked normal.

The leg in the photo was not the leg I had seen in the mirror. The one in the mirror, and that I could see when I looked down was fat, really fat. The photo was of me, and of my leg, but it was so different than the one I knew. I knew the photo was real. So I saw that MY perception of my body must be wrong. And I was shocked.

I didn't know that I was seeing myself so disproportionately, and the photo was my first realization that I was wrong about my body. So in a daze, I allowed myself to become more aware of my thoughts. For three days, I just listened. I listened to the words I used with myself. I observed myself when I was near a mirror. I heard how I was thinking about myself. And it was an awful three days.

I realized that I was saying horrible, horrible things, in my head, about myself. Someone would say "How are you?" and I would say out loud "I'm really good!", but in my head I would say "I'm really good, for a fat chick". When I would look in the mirror, I would see fat, and I would think 'fat'. I put that word all over my body, so that it was all that I saw. I no longer saw beautiful long legs. I just saw fat. I didn't see the beautiful smile and bright blue eyes. I saw fat. I didn't see beauty at all. Because I had been telling myself "fat" and beating myself up and being cruel and unloving to myself it became the truth of my body.

And feeling fat like that did not help me gain control over my body in any sense. I fought myself and tried to diet and failed because all I saw was fat. I would eat something, and eat it like a fat person. I behaved like I was a fat person. Not a person who is struggling with their weight. I BECAME a fat PERSON. Not just my body, but my mind, and not temporarily, but a truth about ME. And you can't win the fight against something you believe will always be true.

So after the worst three days of listening to my inner voice beat the crap out of myself, I went to talk to my family doctor. We talked about how I felt and what I saw. He talked about cognitive behavioral therapy, which involves changing your thoughts and actions. The way you behave influences the way you think, and the way you think influences the way you behave.

He told me to look in the mirror and say 'beautiful'. I tried it and it felt ridiculous. I didn't see beautiful, I saw fat. But I knew there must be some truth to it, because I realized that I had been wrong about my body. I had evidence in that photo. My calf was not actually humongous. It was normal. So I must be wrong, and I allowed myself to try.

I tried "beautiful". It felt silly, but I kept saying it. If I walked past a mirror, I would look, and say "beautiful", "beautiful face", "beautiful stomach", "beautiful legs". I was lying, at the time. I knew I was not believing it, but I kept doing it. And if I forgot, and said "fat", I stopped, and said no, that is not true. This is beautiful. This body is beautiful. This skin is beautiful. I am not like the girls in the magazine, but I sure am beautiful. It took a while, but eventually I stopped saying "fat" and I started believing "beautiful".

I also had to change that inner voice that would preface things with "for a fat girl". My inner voice had been saying things like "happy, for a fat girl", or "great hair, for a fat girl". I had been so unkind to myself. And as an independent and strong person, I realized that I would not let anyone in the world talk to me and treat me the way I was treating myself. I would have cut ties with the person who treated me like that. And yet, I was allowing myself to be so nasty to myself. I had to put my foot down. If those words "for a fat girl" came up, I had to stop, and say no. I had to fight myself to change the words I used to think about myself. I didn't always believe it, but I was committed to changing the thoughts.

It worked. I was able to change the words I used to describe myself, and I was able to see myself for the way I really am. I could see myself the way the rest of the world saw me, as vibrant, beautiful, full of life, and full of beautiful energy. I saw my body as it really was. I was curvy. And yes, I needed to lose some weight. But I was not a fat PERSON any longer. I was a beautiful person, with a few extra pounds. I was no longer trapped in the idea that I was fat forever or that I as a person was fat.

And because they made me feel horrible, I threw out all my skinny clothes. I was perfect and happy.

After that, after discovering how beautiful I am, and accepting and loving myself, I learned about calories and was ready to learn about healthy eating. I was happy, and kind with myself. I learned about cardio and the right way to exercise. I was no longer punishing myself with a diet, and I was not punishing myself with exercise. I was exploring those things as a positive force in my life.

I didn't push myself. I just learned, and watched myself, and did what felt right. And suddenly, I was eating well, and not feeling like it was punishment or as though I was withholding something from myself. I was exercising, and instead of feeling like a failure for not going every day, I felt thankful that I went at all. And I started to enjoy it. I didn't beat myself up if I had dessert. I enjoyed the dessert, because beautiful people, happy people, can sometimes eat dessert.

I was kind to myself. I allowed myself to be perfect in my imperfection. I forgave myself. And I was okay with who I was. I was healthy. And I was forgiving myself. And I was kind. And I saw my beauty. And I could accept a compliment. And I could smile and be proud of who I was.

I lost 50 pounds that year. But I know that I'm beautiful in all my forms and shapes and sizes. I am a beautiful person. And you are too. You with your thoughts about your waist line, or your concerns about your hairline. You're beautiful. And you are perfect. You are absolutely right for yourself at this moment. You are everything that you should be. And you deserve to love yourself.

Be kind with yourself. Know that the first step to making change, is seeing the thoughts behind the actions. If you struggle with self-doubt, you can change your thoughts. You can change the words you use, and you will begin to believe it. It will become the truth about you. This applies to all things about yourself. So listen to the voice, and begin to change the words.

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