Our culture tells girls to make themselves smaller. It tells us to be less confrontational than men, to be less opinionated, and to be less intelligent. Otherwise, we are seen as too bitchy, unlikable, too much in general. It tells us this from before we can speak. We do not realize we are learning this lesson, but we all learn it.
As a child, I watched my father control my family. He controlled the food, the finances, he controlled my mother and both of my brothers. He had the final say in all things. He was bold, he was loud and he was large. My mother tells me a story about this one time when I was about two feet tall, when I was barely old enough for talking. She doesn't remember what prompted this, but she tells me that I lifted my tiny body up on the arm of the couch to make myself as big as possible before sticking my tongue out at my dad in protest. I do not know why, but even at that age, I was fierce.
When I was 15 years old, I ran away from home. I was still in high school. And after I left my parent's home, I went from being on academic probation to being on the honor role. I was awarded the "Most improved student" award.
I have always been strong. I have always been independent. I have always been bold.
And sometimes it does not serve me well. I disagree. I cite sources. I question old wives tales and unexplained beliefs. I push. I admit when I am wrong. I actually enjoy being proven wrong. But in general, still, I am often much too much.
Now I wonder, do I embrace who I am, or do I decrease it?
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