So, your child is gay...

What do you say when your child comes out to you? The first thing that you should say is “I love you.” Our first job as parents is to teach our children how to be loving, kind human beings. And we do that by being kind and loving ourselves. We want our children to accept other people without intolerance and discrimination. We teach them how to do this by being tolerant and accepting ourselves. So if your child comes to you and says that he or she is gay, remember the important job we have, in teaching our children to be kind, tolerant, and accepting: and then accept them. 

As parents, we want our children to be perfect. We want our children’s lives to reflect the values that we as parents have bestowed upon them, and to reflect the way they were raised. We want them to be clean, and honest, and good. And for some parents, a gay lifestyle doesn’t immediately fit into that image.  

It is important for parents to understand that your child did not choose to be gay, and that he or she cannot choose to be straight if he or she is actually gay (any more than you could choose to be gay when you know you are straight). Realizing that you’re gay can be really scary and isolating. It’s hard to be so different from everyone else. It can be extremely lonely and scary. So know that your child has already contemplated whether or not he or she could possibly be straight, and has come up with a great big NO.  It is very likely that they have wished at some point to be straight, because it would be a much easier lifestyle than the one they were born into. But he or she did not get a choice. 

Your child was born gay, and shaming or disowning him or her will not make your child straight. It may destroy your relationship and make your child’s struggles bigger. Many gay youth take their own life because the burden upon them is so great. Your child needs you to be strong for him or her, to reach inside yourself, and to stretch your ideals such that you can continue to love and support your child the way he or she is.

As a parent, you should know that your child has always been gay and nothing that you did or did not do has anything to do with him or her being gay. Some people know they are gay when they are very young, and some people understand it later in their lives. You should also know that being gay changes very little about your child. He or she is still the person you raised and is still your child who needs you. He or she still cares about you and needs your support. 

It is okay that your child is gay. You cannot change whether or not your child is gay, but you can decide what your response will be. It is okay to love and support your gay child. He or she will benefit a great deal from your love and support. 

You might need some support too, as you stretch your ideals and change your expectations. There are a lot of support groups that you can reach out to such as pflag or other pride organizations in your city. You can also access a lot of information online that can answer a lot of your questions. 

Be comforted that your child can, with your support, lead a healthy and full life of happiness and success. Most -if not all- of the dreams you have had for your child can still come true. Be there, love your child, and know that your support will be one of the greatest gifts you can give. Know this: it is okay that your child is gay. 

If you have any questions, please leave a comment and I will do my best to answer them!

Facebook like:

Twitter us: Tweet

Facebook Comments:

My take on promises

I want to talk about promises. This has been on my mind a bit lately, and I wanted to share it with you. We make promises all the time. I made a promise 12 years ago to marry a man and love him forever. I was very young. I hadn't developed into the person I am now. I didn't know about the things I would learn as the years moved forward. We had a son together.

A promise assumes that we know what will come in the future. And I made the promise to get married and love someone forever without understanding how much of the future I had ahead of me. We had been together for 5 years, and at the time I figured that 5 years was enough time for me to get to know HIM. I hadn't given a second's thought to how long it would take to know MYSELF.

We make promises to other people. We make vows and say "until death do us part". We make commitments and say "you matter more to me than my own happiness". Our generation makes these statements, and yet we don't live by them. We get divorced. We call it quits. We move out. We separate when we become miserable. The divorce rate is up to some ridiculously high number. Yet people still get married, and they still make these crazy vows to be with one person no matter what. But they don't live it. We, as a society, don't live it.

I have this radical theory. We should recognize the way our generation goes about love. We should acknowledge that we don't really stay until death. We give up when it's awful. And I think maybe we SHOULD give up when it's awful. I want love. But I don't want to be with someone because they signed an agreement to stay with me despite how they feel about me. And I don't want to live miserably forever because at one point in my life it seemed like a good idea.

So what if we didn't say "Until death do us part"? What if we skipped that part entirely, and we said instead "Until we cannot be happy together". I think if we did that, we might treat love differently. We might appreciate our partners more. We might take an extra minute to check in and evaluate. We might not take love for granted. And we might make the commitment to be together, for the RIGHT reasons. Because of love. Not because of a promise.